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20070316

got lots of things on my mind..but those stuff just disappeared suddenly. at the peak when I'm writing it down. i feel so useless suddenly, as if i'm a failure. actually i'm just a step to be a failure. you know, when you parents had to pay heaps because you didn't do good and when you come here study, tried your best, i'm not sure whether if i actually did my best though and get all those crap results and those wonderful friends that say they've got crap getting 80s.
it's like losing everything you once had and ended with nothing you want.. nothing you actually want but to please the others. were talking about dreams, what you wanna be. i always tell people i wanna study commerce. but do i actually want to do commerce? i dunno! i've lost my dream. every since i realise i'm living in this world, understand things. when you look at someone. anyone, have you ever though, hmm look at that person, i wonder who he sees the world. i remember at 10, pri 4 then if i'm not wrong. was out with ma ma in JE having dinner or something. they're pretty busy then, so i hardly spent time with family, even if we had time, it wasn't really family happy stuff. more like the cast out irritating kaypo girl. but at that point of time, when we're eating, was eating and staring. staring at people walking to and fro..everything's so fast. suddenly. hey!i'm living!i sees i think i learn. then i start knowing i'm a living thing. before that, life was like a i dunno.. didn't even feel i exist or something. it's hard to describe.
at that point of time, i realise i hardly get what i want. i never get what i want actually. so as time goes by, i start learning how to get over things. get over things i know my parents wouldn't waste the money on. like barbie doll! i never had a real barbie barbie doll. just some crap looking doll girl that i dislike so much i cut off their hairs and staple a hand made witch hat to cover the hole.
i hate my life. until now, nothing seems perfect.. not even close to perfect. everytime when i though life was perfect, there always some shit freaking issue that destroy my happy little perfection life. and all i want was to be carefree and happy and you know.. remembered, know. it's not that life's in au's shitty. it's just, not the kind i want. the me that used to be occupied, busy, playing sports, chatty with friends and teachers became the what are you talking about girl and miss playing sports, miss playing piano that i once hated.

~ { 3/16/2007 10:24:00 pm }
wish upon the star;