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20060903
another month passed
hmm time flies. it's september already. 2 more months to exam and to next yr and i can get out of this school!! but gotta to go through these hell in the mean while. can't logged into the internet past few days due to some DSN problem. what ever, it's all fixed now.

been really down these few days. especially yesterday. didn't have anyone to talk to. anyway, got used to it. maybe that's the reason that i hardly share with people about me. people who always says they're my good friend always talk about them them them and non of me. nvm. it's all over. i'm so tired. so tense. tried to relax my shoulder. to tense. to tired. but i can't. now i know why my mom always lose sleep. it's not beause she's not tired or constantly thinking. but it's because shoulder so tense. so much weight on your shoulder, you can't get to sleep. feeling the tense on your shoulder, the aching in your chest. the heavy eye lid and the rusty heart. what else can be better. sometimes you cry for your friend. sometimes you cry because of your parents. sometime you cry because of work. but most of the time you cry because you wanna cry.

felt really like an anti-social person these days. don't wanna go out. don't wanna speak. don't wanna eat. don't wanna do anything. don't wann listen. just wanna be alone. got used of being alone that you get scare, afraid when someone tried to share your loneliness. then when they left, you're being banished deeper into your own world. can you feel it? feel that you no longer know, feel the old bubbly happy michelle. what's left is her phantom. wandering like a lost soul. afraid of everything. always crying. always deep in thoughts. no longer wants to be part of the world. no longer want to see anyone. but what can she do. nothing. cause she's nothing.

wonder why i'm like behaving like that. always acting. as if i'm in the light. but treat myself with darkness when i'm alone. am i insane am i crazy? i hope i am therefore i do not have to think. mommy daddy. always busy with their stuffs. recalled the time when they spent a day off to treat me and jie jie watch movie. although we didn't talk through out the show, that moment. they're with me. people said i've gotta count myself lucky. for having my parents with me here. and elleciea, her parents in sg, she's alone here. but she has someone to interact with her everyday, someone to enjoy with, go out, spend time with her. yes i've got my parents. but they're always busy with their business plan. worrying about this and that. daddy giving mommy all the stress. treating my with their contantly quarrels. nagging me all day long not to sleep so late, go study even i i'm not studying, please understand them. i tried to understand them, that's why am all doing my own stuffs, not bothering what they are doing. don't wanna know what they are doing. but, have they undestand what i want? i've got education, money, time for myself from them. sometimes even their care and concern for nagging for my own sake. but that's not what i want. i want their time. so what i stayed with them. came there with them. see them everyday. we don't even speak up to an hour a day. since young. i even grew up a day, whole day with my parents beside me, talking to me, reading to me or anything. always alone. seeing other kids playing when i'm stuck at home, stareing out to the sky, to other kids or my cartoon show which they eventually band me from watching. am i asking too much from them?? i don't know. am i lucky? i don't know. all i know is i wanna feel better.. compared to other, those who lost their loves ones. i don't know what's my pain compared to theirs. but i know they feel terrible. cause what i'm feeling now is already terrible. they must be.. sad, lost, i duno. words can't describe feelings.

another month had passed. 3 more months and i'm going back. i don't know what i'll get this trip. the fear of going back in over comming the excitement. i love to see them, wish to see them. but i'm afraid what would happen again this time. there's always, not once that something goes in my way. i dunno. i'm so confused. i'm so scare. i'm so tired..

~ { 9/03/2006 03:07:00 pm }
wish upon the star;