20060924

am i sick?

was weird yesterday. totally shut myself from everyone else.. no mood to talk to anyone. sick.. feeling so sick. as if mentally sick isn't enough. down with flu and cold. feeling like shit. still, haha read my manga..read till the whole eyes turn red and watery. that's how stubborn i am. when i want something. when i don't wanna just stop just because...whatever.. everything's not the same anymore. i cannot feel myself anymore. i don't know who i am anymore. i don't know what's my existence to this world. to bring pain or laughter to the people. everytime i wonder, what i am to the others. a subsitution? a friend? or a passer-by. i'm so weird. i always tell others i hate people lying to me. and the more i lie to myself. i must really hate myself then.. i can't remember when the last time i ever really laugh. really laugh because i'm happy. i wanna understand others' pain.. because i hope some might wanna know my pain. but what's my pain. i don't understand. maybe i'm still a young inmature little girl worrying about friend and stuffs. not aware of the "out side world". maybe like what marilyn said, i always hold back to what people said and never move on, never grown up. but what would i be if i forget about what everyone, anyone have said. even if they've not mean it, those are things the cross their mind, it's what they've though before.. everyone's so typical. they aim for the same thing, want the same thing. i dunno how to express it. maybe it's just human nature. that everyone's so selfish. they don't care about others because they're overwhelm by their own pain, their own wants. i dunno.. i'm just a sicko..

~ { 9/24/2006 05:20:00 pm }
wish upon the star;

20060918

bad hair day..

had bad hair day today so wore cap to school. on the way back, one of my friend suggest i should trim my hair since it kept irritates my eyes. and since mommy and someone else (can't remember who it was) mention i should trim my frindge as it's long and messy, so decided to trim it so wouldn't irritate my eyes! but neveeerr know it irritates me now!!! arggh!! cut till soo short!! and worst. it's uneven!! asked mommy trim for me and she's so reluctant!! made me help her with her work then cut still drag! HUMP!! and it's late now!! what if later she can't see properly and zazzpp! worst?!! OMG!!!!

have a look at my masterpiece..

back from mommy's hair cut. OMG OMG OMG!!!! my masterpiece was so much better! i can't elaborate how i feel now. i feel hideous! my frindge's like thing long -------------------------. now i know why i used to cry whenever she cut my hair. i feel like crying now!! OMG!! OMG OMG!!!! it's like zip zap frindge. plus short zip zap! OMG. i regreted. but i don't think she mean it. and reckon i'm too harsh just now. but! IT'S MY BLOODY HAIR!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i feel so like a werido!! OMG!!! another nightmare.. get over pls pls.. grow frindge grow!!!

~ { 9/18/2006 06:33:00 pm }
wish upon the star;

20060917

not that bad after all.. =)

chatted with eileen before.. she made my day better. kinda late but still, lifted my mood. made me realised i've wasted too much time on daff and marilyn. seriously i can't believe i'm that silly. and had a chat with my shin ge. shin ge sounds nice uh! so decided to call him shin ge since he always so nice like a big bro. =) finally got the answer to marilyn commens. i won't not be a pratical person like she is, i'll not grow to be like her but grow to be sensible. =) thank you everyone. i just had a nightmare i suppose.. =) hope's it fine now!!

with hope with faith with a little smile =)

i simply love this photo!! too bad too idiots not there!! HUMP!!

~ { 9/17/2006 11:28:00 pm }
wish upon the star;

shade of evilness..

finally everything's over. we bid each other good bye and that it, back to our life. finally get to live freely.. feel the tense on my shoulder lighten. marilyn, you seriously have no idea how lucky you are. i'm so afraid of your future. worried that it might be hard for to in the future. but now, i don't think it's necessary anymore. you don't need me as a friend. i suppose i don't need you too. i don't need you at all. but i used to want you as a friend, like you as a friend. i guess i've changed. changed into a person that despise you. you're always thinking of ways to make yourself for the better, thinking that only other made mistakes. i'm human too. i made mistakes. but at least i've got the guts to admit my mistakes. take advise. you? you're so pathetic. living in your world thinking you're seen the whole big side of the other ugly world. commending about my au friends,just because they're 3 yrs younger than you doesn't make them childish. you're the juvenile one. assuming how mature the person is base on their age. it's not like this. what would make you get this into your head?? not going clubbing, haveing fun means still living in the "tinny minny world" of mine. having fun isn't the important thing. it's the experience you've gain. things you've seen. things you've seen doesn't mean seeing people fighting. means seeing how your parents work, suffers, stressed you to make you grow into a successful person, those obstacles they've gone through.

and daffodil. for once, please put down your pride and admit you're in the wrong as well. what i'm trying to say is, even as an outsider, you've changed. so why the F*** deny?! you've got your right to choose your friend. so which means i've got mine too. and i've choose you not to be mine cause you're not fit to be. you never though of how i feel. so i guess your goodbye's the best thing i've even received and thank you for helping me making up my mind. you know what? i think you're as pathatic as well, always making things up, using the same old shit to cover your mistakes. what you can do is just say you like doing stuffs in your way and not repeating again and again we've made you as if you're were the victim. i don't revile to you my secret is because of one simple pure reason. you don't gain my trust!

to my other friends. i'm not as "nice" as i've made in front of you people. deep in me is a really self. selfish, mean, devil. anything bad you would think of. i'm wearing a pretty facade. and thanks for trusting me. it helps withhold my evilness a little. haha but i guess this evil person never will change. people who stay with me, always get hurt. so before you get hurt, keep away from me. i hate lying to myself. i hate being a good girl. it's so tring. you've gotts do all things nice. and if you did a mistake, people reproach you for it. and then it's all your fault. and if you don't admit it's your fault, you're the sinner! you're the worst of the worst. i'm already the worst of the very worst you can imagine. so why made me feel worst. feeling what's it like if i've not in this world. i can't believe friend actually made you feel like dying as well. it's so bizarre! friends made you feel good. friend makes you feel like shit as well. i want a friend. a simple person for a complicated person as a friend. that's all i want.

~ { 9/17/2006 05:07:00 pm }
wish upon the star;

20060911

Footprints

i'll always remember this. friends are someone that walked into your life, make a difference and walked out of your life. good friends are someone that walked into your life, makes a difference and leave their footprint in your heart =). that's sweet uh.. but this seldome happends. what i mean is, leaving a footprints doesn't mean it's good footprint. like daffodil her footprint's like footprint on sand, always making effort to make those footprints stay but as the waves comes, those footprints fades away eventually. however, making the effort's not her but me. so my feet's sore. need a break. why make my feet sore when there's so many more people worth my footprints. so i've decided, to give them more attention. cause i know they're doing the same too. making effort the leave footprints in my heart. wouldn't that be better? like at least you know they listen to you, the hear and make the effort of improving, learn and tells you how they feel. at least those people are genuine!they're more reliable. what about her, you don't even know when she's speaking the truth and when she's just kissing your ass. dame, i don't understand. but nvm. she doesn't make the effort. so do it. i'll be better off without her. 5yrs of friendship. not a yr, a month, a day we did not quarrel. not a day, on my way to school, feel like running away because i don't wanna face her. not a day i don't have to worry about being betrayed by her again. not a day i've gotta think is she really genuine or she's just making used of me. why? i dunno. wanna know too. she's so nice at times, which made me sacred. don't know it's true or not. only could judge it by my feelings towards her. she's too hard for me. high maintance like what i've said before.

nvm. shall talk about what happened recently. hmm.. been naughy these days, tests and assignment coming up and i kept watching korean movies. aww but it's so good. watching FULLHOUSE again. still as nice. rain's as cute. don't know what that girl's name (han ji en-in that show) but i like her too. look nice in whatever style. no she has her own style. that's why i like her. not like those, always wanna keep themselves up to date; be like their friends.have no sense of their own style or because of afraid of not being popular in the group=the losers! anyway, i'm in having tourism now, period 5 i think, sigh..boring.. and haha i slept during eng just now (eng 1D). bored too. nothing to do. teacher even let me sleep. she's just too nice. all those boys climbing over her head and i hate her class. hmm what else, oh went city with bunch of friends last sat. michelle's birthday so you know, go out chill out. didn't do much, bascially walking here and there and eat. [this show's how boring perth is..sigh] does the same thing in sg too. go out, eat, walk around, go arcade, and played pool.. guys walk their way, girl their's. the only diff is we crap more with sg friends and of course, it's funnier(i made up this word.keke). suddenly, missed them so much. it seems we've not been in touched for so long. wonder what they're all up too now. hope they're happy. that's enough. hope they stop making themselves miserable. they're so silly sometimes. though but being harsh, acting harsh made other gives up, makes everytime better but always ended up otherwise. okie gotta go home now. keke with hope with faith with a little smile. KOREAN MOVIES RULES

~ { 9/11/2006 02:16:00 pm }
wish upon the star;

20060908

Who me? Yes me

tired of carrying the mask i've been wearing.. all i want's a break. break from troubles, competitions, bias, anti-social and etc.. why do i have to carry all these burdens everywhere? in sg and here. everywhere. this's not my life. well not the life i want. wearking a mask that appears to be strong, happy-go-lucky, good girl. so people thinks you're happy, good, go to be with so they'll feel good too. i'm sick of it. so lame. so stupid. just a moment of solemn and people asked what's wrong with me. what am i? who knows what i am. who knows me. but at the same time. i do i really know others as well? everyone feels so like a stranger. when i reckon they're like this, they appeared otherwise. given nothing but constant disappointment. swaying away from you. wanna hold back but it's too hard. should i let you people fly? when you hate someone, it's because you don't trust someone. so why are you afraid of the person you trust? maybe because you're afraid to lose your trust in them.. because it's always they the ones that upset you the most.. feels as if my tears worth nothing. it's nothing actually. just another randome acting like a cry baby.

black is the absent of all colour. white is the present of all colours. i prefer white, but i'm the black. black with white mask! nice one.. to someone somewhere but wedged in noone nowhere. sigh.. this show's how hard growing is. now i finally realise why adults miss their childhood. someone who still wish to grow up is some one who hasn't grew. someone who wish everything thing to be the same is someone who's to wishful cause nothing, ever be the same. it's only improved, moved on? or worsen and clinging to their 'wonderland'. finally realised that there's really no wonderland or paradise. cause we're all human beings. and human beings are borned to this world to learn, to experience, to realise, to know. who we are, what we are, who we want, what we want. most. what's good and what's bad. if you choose the wrong path, all you have to do is to do it again. choose even till your next life. choose till you chose the right path. then.... =)

anyway, going to the city with friends tomorrow. mishi's birthday today so gonna sort of celebrate with her. hesitate at 1st. but i know i've gotta step out of my world. my own me world. it's time to grow big girl.

~ { 9/08/2006 04:00:00 pm }
wish upon the star;

20060903

another month passed

hmm time flies. it's september already. 2 more months to exam and to next yr and i can get out of this school!! but gotta to go through these hell in the mean while. can't logged into the internet past few days due to some DSN problem. what ever, it's all fixed now.

been really down these few days. especially yesterday. didn't have anyone to talk to. anyway, got used to it. maybe that's the reason that i hardly share with people about me. people who always says they're my good friend always talk about them them them and non of me. nvm. it's all over. i'm so tired. so tense. tried to relax my shoulder. to tense. to tired. but i can't. now i know why my mom always lose sleep. it's not beause she's not tired or constantly thinking. but it's because shoulder so tense. so much weight on your shoulder, you can't get to sleep. feeling the tense on your shoulder, the aching in your chest. the heavy eye lid and the rusty heart. what else can be better. sometimes you cry for your friend. sometimes you cry because of your parents. sometime you cry because of work. but most of the time you cry because you wanna cry.

felt really like an anti-social person these days. don't wanna go out. don't wanna speak. don't wanna eat. don't wanna do anything. don't wann listen. just wanna be alone. got used of being alone that you get scare, afraid when someone tried to share your loneliness. then when they left, you're being banished deeper into your own world. can you feel it? feel that you no longer know, feel the old bubbly happy michelle. what's left is her phantom. wandering like a lost soul. afraid of everything. always crying. always deep in thoughts. no longer wants to be part of the world. no longer want to see anyone. but what can she do. nothing. cause she's nothing.

wonder why i'm like behaving like that. always acting. as if i'm in the light. but treat myself with darkness when i'm alone. am i insane am i crazy? i hope i am therefore i do not have to think. mommy daddy. always busy with their stuffs. recalled the time when they spent a day off to treat me and jie jie watch movie. although we didn't talk through out the show, that moment. they're with me. people said i've gotta count myself lucky. for having my parents with me here. and elleciea, her parents in sg, she's alone here. but she has someone to interact with her everyday, someone to enjoy with, go out, spend time with her. yes i've got my parents. but they're always busy with their business plan. worrying about this and that. daddy giving mommy all the stress. treating my with their contantly quarrels. nagging me all day long not to sleep so late, go study even i i'm not studying, please understand them. i tried to understand them, that's why am all doing my own stuffs, not bothering what they are doing. don't wanna know what they are doing. but, have they undestand what i want? i've got education, money, time for myself from them. sometimes even their care and concern for nagging for my own sake. but that's not what i want. i want their time. so what i stayed with them. came there with them. see them everyday. we don't even speak up to an hour a day. since young. i even grew up a day, whole day with my parents beside me, talking to me, reading to me or anything. always alone. seeing other kids playing when i'm stuck at home, stareing out to the sky, to other kids or my cartoon show which they eventually band me from watching. am i asking too much from them?? i don't know. am i lucky? i don't know. all i know is i wanna feel better.. compared to other, those who lost their loves ones. i don't know what's my pain compared to theirs. but i know they feel terrible. cause what i'm feeling now is already terrible. they must be.. sad, lost, i duno. words can't describe feelings.

another month had passed. 3 more months and i'm going back. i don't know what i'll get this trip. the fear of going back in over comming the excitement. i love to see them, wish to see them. but i'm afraid what would happen again this time. there's always, not once that something goes in my way. i dunno. i'm so confused. i'm so scare. i'm so tired..

~ { 9/03/2006 03:07:00 pm }
wish upon the star;

hello there

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